A Sidebar Love Story

Well I have about an hour to write something here.  I don’t know what’s going to come out right now, but I have the itch to write something right now.  Physically, I’ve felt pretty good the past couple of days.  Yesterday, I smoked a lot of meat in my first meat-smoking endeavor.  I learned a lot at least… … …the meat was smoked well, but it didn’t cook.  So we had to bake it and microwave some so that we could eat it sooner.  It might’ve been a little sketchy since it was poultry, but no one’s sick today (as far as I know).

Anyways… I put something new in the sidebar to the right.  I’m not exactly sure what those little quotes are really.  I don’t have a big thing I’m trying to accomplish with them.  Sometimes something pops into my head that I want to write down and remember, but I don’t want to write a blog post about it.  So there it goes…  I guess I’m writing about this most recent one, so … ?

This isn’t a courtroom trial.  It’s a love story.  …I was playing my guitar and kind of thinking about that.  It’s hard to feel encouraged and positive all the time.  A lot of things have happened in the past couple of months… and medically speaking, there aren’t any good-looking prospects on ways to cure what’s wrong with me.  That’s a realization that hit me when I was in the hospital last week for chemo.  I don’t feel like I’ve been a faith giant lately.  I have faith.  I have hope.  That’s not denial, and I’m not trying to convince myself of anything.  I know what’s there.  It just doesn’t feel huge at the moment, and that’s just the truth.  I don’t feel discouraged, and I don’t feel sad.

Random sidenote: I had to argue with a doctor when I was in the hospital a few weeks ago.  He woke me up at 8 every morning and asked me questions that always had the same answers… One morning, he started trying to tell me I was depressed.  I told him I wasn’t depressed [the truth].  He wasn’t convinced because he didn’t think I could diagnose myself.  I asked why he thought I was depressed.  He said I displayed classic symptoms: sleeping a lot, not eating, seeming withdrawn.  I didn’t know how to respond… he’d only come in at 8:30 in the morning and wake me up (you’ll always find a sleeping man if you always walk in his room while he’s asleep  –Confuscious).  He wouldn’t come back later even though I asked him if he would and we could talk about it then.  I might’ve seemed withdrawn because I just wanted to fall back asleep … as for the eating thing.  …I had a bleeding ulcer.  Interesting story right?

Sometimes I’m not even sure how I feel on the inside.  I feel neutral.  Is that weird?  Is that possible?  I think I need time to process things or something… I don’t know.  So I was playing guitar, and that love story thought kind of came into my head.  I think people are logical in general.  We weigh things against each other when we make most decisions.  Laws of fairness and justice work that way I think.  In the court room, the law determines the outcome based on the evidence that’s presented.  When the evidence looks grim for a defendant… he’s probably not going to feel joyful.  So when that thought came into my head, I asked myself, “Am I looking at my life/relationship with God right now as a court proceeding?  Have my joy, hope, and faith grown smaller because the evidence looks bad right now?”  –I don’t know for sure to be honest.  It was just questions and thoughts.

In contrast to the courtroom dramas… love stories aren’t governed so much by level-headed thinking and the laws of what’s fair and logical.  I’m not promoting stupidness, but it would seem this blog is taking the tone of a lot of my previous ones.  In love stories, you can’t always look at what you see and make a rational choice.  Who has a rational heart?  In love stories, you follow what you believe to be true… even at the expense of appearing to be sane.  In love stories, troubling times and unreconcileable problems seem to be necessary to show that love is love and not just the next smart play in life.  I want to know and show a love that’s real.  I love Jesus.  He hasn’t wronged me.  He hasn’t blown it or messed up.  Logically, it can be hard to be in love with a healer while you have cancer… but His healing isn’t His heart… that’s what I really would like although I don’t dismiss what He died to give.

Life is beautiful… and soon it will seem like it.

~ by leemyers on September 24, 2008.